Po-ta-to, Po-tah-to

Cynthia and her mother strolled through the park and passed a couple making out on a bench.

"I just hate how you young people these days treat sex as if it is nothing more than a handshake." her mother muttered.



"Quite the contrary." Cynthia said. "Sex is far more fun than a simple handshake."

Double Take

Alex nudged Damien as they were checking into the convention center, saying: "Mmhmmm, take a look at the rack on that girl."



Damien frowned.
"I dunno about 'girl'...it has man hands."

Brinkmanship

Lionel and his friends were talking about how much they hated not watching a movie in one sitting.

"I once had to leave a movie because somebody pulled the smoke alarm."
Lizzie said.



"Yeah? Once I had to leave a movie because I had sudden attack of diarrhea."
John said.



"Oh, really?"
said Lionel.
"When I was a child I was watching Lady and the Tramp in the back of my parents mini-van. My father skidded on a patch of black ice, lost control of the car and hit a tree. Both my parents died. Never did get to see the end of that movie."

Getting Your Money's Worth

"Walter, dear." said Mrs. Kronski as she disrobed and climbed onto the massage table.
"Are you rubbing that massage oil...on yourself?"



"You betcha!" Walter exclaimed.
"I know you thought you were coming here for a massage, but today we're wrestling!"



and with that Walter uncerimouniously hauled Mrs. Kronski off the table
and hollered "Eat mat, bitch!"

Discovery

"Oh, God."
Cindy collapsed, gasping, as the P.E. class ran laps.
"I can't do it, I can't keep up."


"C'MON! Get up and run, you twat!"
bellowed Miss Kowksyx.
"Girls are just boys who haven't discovered their penis yet!"

Chiaroscuro

After a significant period of grieving, the family eventually did admit it really was the best photo from that vacation.

Gazpacho

Please excuse our departure from the usual format, but Alfonso has been busy dabbling in other mediums:


We further apologize for our shameful lack of posting and also because we will be unable to update regularly until mid-January. We wish everybody the best of Holidays, and hope for your continued support when we return.

Something To Talk About

In retrospect, going to a party the night before his bosses' burial service and the subsequent, massive hangover wasn't exactly Patrick's finest decision.

From My Head to My Heart

Maggie and Lacy were discussing their latest flings over cocktails.

"Anyways, I thought this time you were going to wait until you were in love with somebody until you slept with them?" Lacy queried.



"Well, I was." Maggie conceded. "Until I realized how much time it takes to fall in love."

Calm Under Pressure

Fern and Charles Glover were lost on an unfamiliar highway looking for the right exit to take to their daughter's new house.

"Oh, look there, Charles. A police man. Flag him down and ask directions."

Unfortunately, the couple was just pulling alongside the cop when he received an emergency call and accelerated, turning on his lights and sirens.
"Follow him, Charles, catch up!" Fern demanded worriedly.



Charles accelerated to 90 and pulled alongside the cop. "He's not slowing, Fern, guess you better get yer' tits out. See if that'll grab his attention."

Eeny Meeny Miny No More

Lionel and his buddies were exchanging scar stories.



"I have a fat one on my shoulder blade from where a wildcat attacked me." John pointed.



"I have a small one on my forearm from that time I was gouged by a hanger at a sample sale." Lizzie said.



Lionel held up his arm.
"Oh, yeah, well, I lost most of my hand when I reached into a running food disposal to grab a potato chip."

Socialist Medicine

Vivienne had just finished putting the gown on when the nurse came back in with a magician.



"Sorry, Vivienne." The nurse sighed. "Turns out your insurance doesn't cover abortions, so we've brought in a magician to see if maybe he can make the fetus disappear."

Thinking Outside the Box

It was Kit's first day teaching Sunday School and it wasn't going at all as she had planned.



"So" Kit asked "I'd like you all to imagine a world where all the sin and evil has been removed, and only good people are allowed to go there. Now tell me what it'd be like."

A little girl raised her hand.



"There'd only be white people left?"

En Why Sea

Chuck and Jarret walked home from the bar.



"Man, isn't this an awesome city?" Jarret proselytized. "If you don't believe that this is a city of endless possibilities, then you're probably just a straight female."

Me and the Devil + You = 2

"Hmmah. Better make my chili." Mrs. Kolaski mumbled to herself.
"Gettin' the devil cast out of you sure does work up an appetite."

Tripped Up

"Scotty..." Marilyn asked while they rollerbladed.
"You're gay, right?"



Scotty hit a pebble but caught himself.

"What? Who? Me? No way! I love women!
They have great... personalities!"

Wishing and Hoping

"What the...is that a chastity belt?" Dougan asked.



"Why, yes!" Marie replied.
"If you'd like to take it off, you can just ask my father for the key!"

Bibliophile

"A good lover is like a good book."

Sheldon's cousin said as they shucked peas for supper.



"Once you're finished, you just want to stay inside her."

Just Sayin'...

Mary Elena was never very good at making excuses.



"I'm sorry, I'd love to go out with you tonight, but, uh, I planned on mowing the lawn...and I'm on the rag."

The Pitch

"We call it BUTTer." Stevens said.



"It's a new personal lubricant marketed to homosexual males."

Unexpected Visitor

Martha was strolling around her back yard barefoot when a demon entered and possessed her body.

Adios, Malena.

Debbie's mother didn't know how fragile little children could be.



Harry fell off a bicycle without a helmet on.



Laurant prayed for mercy, but the Lord had none.



Josiah's girlfriend became over-excited during oral sex and smothered him with her vagina.



Amanda antagonized the wrong panda.



Jesus worked on the 119th floor of the World Trade Center.



Janice didn't wait 30min. after eating to go for a swim in the lake.



Björn was just two seconds too early for the handoff.

Malena had tape wrapped around her face at a party and was smothered to death.

Introductions All Around

There was an awkward pause as Tilly's son left the table to get them a round of drinks, leaving her alone with his fiance.



Her future daughter-in-law eyeballed Tilly and said
"Maybe you fooled him, but I totally heard that fart when you sat down."

Hey, Presto!

Mathilde stirred the pot and waited for the studio applause to die down.



"We have a great show today. First, Chef Ingrid Marks is here to teach us how to make an easy, flawless Cioppino and later I show you one hundred useful ways of turning those old family pets and barnyard animals into everyday helpful household items."

"Good lord!" The producer yelped. "I thought that pony was for the children-with-cancer segment!"

Getting to Know You

It was Marjane's first date in six years.


"So, you're an accountant?" She asked.

"Yup" He replied.

There was a pause.

Then he asked
"Can you guess what I'm doing with my hand right now?"

The Wax Museum of Lesser American Heros

"Her name was Elizabeth Ketter-Larson. An early pioneer in the area of fast food and a fierce advocate of less time consuming family meals."

Company Picnic

The bosses' dog had taken an immediate disliking toward Majorie's son.

Day Job

Sandra switched the phone to her other ear.



"Mmhmm, lemme get this straight. You placed a bomb in our building? Great. Could I get your name and address please? Just for my own personal use because I wore my new Marc Jacobs today and when I crawl out of the smoke and rubble I'm going to want to know who to send the dry cleaning bill to. Hello? Hello?"

Sandra hung up the phone.

"How inconsiderate."

Little Miracle

"Good lord" the Doctor muttered.
"What do we tell the mother? This baby doesn't even have genitals."

Lucky Shot

"Hey, mom" Kendra's daughter said coming in the yard.

"Why are you shooting an arrow into the neighbor's yard?"

Offerings and Sacrifices

"But, sister!" Harry cried out in alarm.
"You can't mug me! Your a woman of God!"



"Welcome to a recession."
the nun said dryly as she released the safety.
"God can go pound sand, now hand over your wallet."

Scholarship Contest

Miss Iowa smiled.



"...and that concludes my talent portion. I hope you enjoyed my demonstration of how to properly apply nail polish."

The judges sighed and waited for the next contestant.



Miss Louisiana came onstage.

"...and what is your talent?'



She flexed her wrists.

"I blow shit up with my mind."

Living With It

Nolie was one turn away from winning the National Scrabble Finals.



The only winning move she had was to place her U, N and T tiles off of her opponents open C.

She pictured tomorrows headline:

" 'Cunt' wins National Scrabble Tournament!"

"Here goes nothin'" she sighed.

Mysterious Ways

Eileen approached the preacher.



"Please sir, pray for my baby! He's been possessed by demons and hasn't stopped crying for three whole days straight!"

The preacher laid his hands on it and began praying.



"Evil Spirits! Demons! In the name of the Holy Father I DEMAND that you release this child! Begone!"

The baby suddenly stopped crying, gave a little giggle and then burst into a million little pieces.



The Preacher looked surprised.

"Well...I certainly wasn't expecting THAT to happen."

Exuberant Behavior

"I hate taking your mother jogging with us when she's high."

Life on a Chain

"Hello and welcome to Space Burger! I'm the solar system and I'll be your waiter tonight! Can I offer you some out-of-this-world fries?"



Kevin looked at his menu and frowned. These theme restaurants were getting out of control.

Allegiance

Karen's instructor bowed to her and said:

"To become a true Kwang Bak O master, one must be able to chop a sparrow in half with your hand."



Karen sighed. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned bricks?

One Percent of the Population

Darla had just about finished her shift at the register when she felt it hit her suddenly. It was another of those damn spontaneous orgasms.

Statute of Limitations

Tasha's father spooned a bite of cereal into his mouth and then spoke around it.



"Bollucks! We've all done things we regret! Back in the 60's I mailed a package bomb to a random address in Norway. I don't know where it ended up! But these things happen!"

At Home Diagnosis

Martha Braithwhite heard one of her friends calling her from across the street and blushed bright red.



"Oh, please God, not now." she prayed. "Not when I have two bags stuffed full of black market Valtrex."

Neighborhood Gentrification

Mrs. Goldberg just about died of shame and embarrassment as Mitzy broke into paroxysms of angry barking every time she saw a Mexican walking down the street.

Family Affair

"Here's your new grandson!" Marnie's daughter-in-law crowed and handed Marnie the baby.



"But, my goodness, he's barely even six months!" Marnie exclaimed. "How has he managed to grow a full beard before he's even grown the hair on his head?"

Future Perfect Tense

Mary read through her daughter's diary, carefully correcting the spelling and grammar.

Above and Beyond

Larry Burkwhittle sat down with his agent.



"Ah, oh, my god. Lemme tell you, I have got the best gig for you. A commercial audition for that new anal leakage medication! Great script! Just the thing you've been looking for!"

Relevant Work

The artist stood in front of her picture titled "Mommy and Me".

Relevant Work II

The artist stood in front of his picture titled "Introducing Myself in the Third Person".

Relevant Work III

The artist stood in front of her picture titled "Chlamydia: The City Inside Me".

Product Past Expiration Date

For the next half-hour Linda's baby proceeded to burp up small, surprising clouds of smoke and ash.

Bird of Prey

The date was going fine until Leticia's date said,

"Really, I'm like a bear. I can smell when a woman is on her period...

but don't get me wrong,

nothing is sexier than a woman on her period."

Job Fair

Shelly figured she had a good twenty-five years of this left in her before she retired.